How the Achievement stole gaming.

I was in Grainger Games the other day, paying some cash towards my Xbox One pre-order, and I was discussing the next-Gen consoles with the guy on the till. He was doing the same as me, paying off the  console gradually rather than in a lump payment in November.

“But the only reason I’m really pre-ordering is so I can get the day one achievement!” He said happily. I laughed, before realising that he was actually completely serious.

Does the world really need a “Day One” achievement? Really? Do I really need a little box to flash up on the screen to tell me that I’ve bought a console? I’m pretty sure I noticed, what with having spent four hundred odd quid on it, brought it home, plugged it in and turned the bloody thing on.

Achievements irritate me. I don’t really see the point of them – they are literally just pointless e-penis waving. I genuinely, off the top of my head, could not tell you what my Gamerscore is, but I know people who can tell you the exact figure of theirs, and they say it with such pride.

aren’t games meant to be fun? Aren’t they something to enjoy? Why do we have to be in constant competition with each other – even when we’re playing single player

I don’t play games for the Achievements – I play them for fun. The only acheivements I’ve ever consciously gone for are the comedy ones on the Fable games, and even then it kind of ruined my enjoyment of the gaming experience.

It’s hard to roleplay when you’re issuing royal commands whilst dressed as a chicken.

Even the naming of Achievements and trophies don’t sit rioght with me. Half the time, they’re more a random collection of crap you’ve lucked into. And then theres the old “Completed the Tutorial” Award.

“Completed the tutorial?” “COMPLETED THE GODDAMN TUTORIAL??” Why the hell should you get an award for managing not to screw up the single easiest portion of the game? I mean, really?

Hell, while we’re at it, why not make achievements for real life:

“Achievement Unlocked – managed to breath without an instruction manual.”

“Achievement Unlocked – Successfully took a piss without splashing the toilet seat”

“Achievement Unlocked – Managed to make it to the shop and back without crapping yourself.”

“Achievement Unlocked – had sexual intercourse.”  (Patch notes: Removed as unattainable by 90% of people who inhabit Gaming Forums.)

Hell, those make as much sense as an achievement for buying the goddamn console.

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