Cry your pardon, gunslingers…

I’m not going to tell a lie, the last year has been really, really difficult. My wife has been very ill, and  – to be brutally honest – so have I.

Self harm has played into it. I’ve got anew scar from cigarette burns on my wrist, and it never fails to catch my eye when I’m feeling at my worst. Mostly though my depressive state takes the form of horrifying, dull-minded numbness.

Just after new years, stuff happened. I’m not going to go into detail on that – the people who need to know what it was already do – but it brought home to me how little I was coping. with everything. I took myself into the doctors, and the long and short of it is that I haven’t been into work since new years eve. I’ve tried to cope, I really have, but I find myself creeping deeper and deeper into a shell that is so, so difficult to emerge from.

I’ve felt isolated for so long that sometimes I forget whats its like to not feel that way. When I do have my friends around me, I’m fine, but even then I have moments when I pull into that turtleshell and just lose track of the world around me.

Forgive me if this post is a bit odd, its the first time I’m trying to put these feelings into words. I’m pretty shit at doing it verbally, but writing is something that comes a bit more naturally. In between the bouts of insomnia and lethargy,  I haven’t really done all that much. I’ve been trying to write High Moon Rising, but often as not I find myself staring at the screen,  robbed of the ability to write by my own stupid fucking brain.

I’m in counselling now, but its early days. Sometimes I feel positive about it, but sometimes I jut feel so fucking useless that I don’t feel anything will help. I’m going to cut back on my work hours as well to help me cope with everything, and give me a bit more time in the day to do, well, everything. Hopefully that will help me deal.

Most of the time, though, I just feel horribly fucking useless. I feel like a waste of life who just needs to disappear. I don’t feel suicidal, just worthless.

It’s been a long year. Hopefully the next few months will see things improve.

I’ll try and post something with my usual brand of bullshitting soon.

-Ben

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